"Why must we all conceal, what we think, how we feel."

I come in the office today:

S: Are you here to see an advisor?
Me: Yes, ma'am.
S: Ohhh, I like that, "ma'am". I feel old though, hahahaha.
Me: Okay... MISS.
S: Hahaha... miss!

(C comes): Oh, Venus is here.
Me: Yeah but...
S: She's here as a student (sarcastically)
(Everyone laughs)
Me: I need to see an advisor for just a second!
C: Oh, okay. We'll go pick up the pizza in 5minutes.

That was totally random, nothing at all to do with the title. Anyhoo.

I just realized that I have a really low self-confidence. I thought I had it all together but I guess I put on a mask for other people to see that I'm doing well when in reality, I'm not. Maybe I don't like people to see that I'm vulnerable. But when worse comes to worse, I just show my vulnerability but some people misinterpret it as my being humble. Which believe me, when I doubt myself, I really mean it.

I've gotten so used to thinking that I'm going to fail at a certain something that I get serious panic attacks. Well, it doesn't really show. Like I don't inhale in a brown paperbag or anything like that (I've seen some people do that). I just get all bajiggity inside. I'd be lying if I said I don't have an ounce of confidence. When I'm SO sure that I did well, then I'm relieved inside.

What I'm trying to say is that I've gotten really good at hiding what I feel. It's good in a way coz I might hurt someone's feelings when I say what I really feel. LOL. But sometimes, saying what's inside me comes in handy. Lately I've been doing just that, talking about what I really feel inside to some people I really trust. And it really helps me a great deal in terms of getting some things out of my system. But for the most part, I still have to be more daring to say what's within me.

I'm getting there.