2009 Resolutions.

Have a lollipop, have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

1. Read more books:
Back in high school I would finish a book in two days. This year, I’ve never finished a single book. My goal for 2009 is to read at least 10 books (excluding books I have to read for university). Currently reading: Bloodletting, a memoir by Victoria Leatham and Alanis Morissette’s unofficial biography by Paul Cantin. Next in line: The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Bring it on!

2. Not cut my hair:
Whenever I get bored of my hair, I always have this urge to chop it off (to get rid of the bad aura?—haha, I don’t know). For the past 2-3 years, I never let my hair grow and would cut a chunk every 3 months. For 2009, I will just have my every-three-months, 2-inch trim and let it grow.

3. Cut the C-word out of my life!:
I just have to think of the cons: they make my clothes and fingers stink, nausea attacks me at random moments, they’re expensive and I have a lung capacity of a three year old.

4. Be more physically active and eat like a girl (haha):
Challenge: to lose 20 lbs. (healthily) in a course of a year.

5. Learn to play the guitar:
My aunt saw me looking at guitars online (I was planning to buy one) but then she mentioned that my dad had bought her one from Japan more than 20 years ago. She took it out from the storage and it is still in perfect condition. I played with it some weekends ago and kinda abandoned it. This coming year, I want to learn how to play it well.

6. Get good grades:
This is private, uber-expensive university we’re talking about. No more screwing up!

7. Nurture myself emotionally:
I am known to not say what I’m really feeling. Instead I bottle everything inside and repress my emotions until that nasty feeling at the pit of my stomach comes about. From 2009 onwards, I hope to be more open with my feelings (but at the same time being careful who to be open to).

8. Have more fun! (Whatever your interpretation of “fun” is):
I started to truly have fun (-seizing the day in my own little fucked-up ways-) this year. All the “I-can’t-believe-you-did-that” this year was compensation for my overly being responsible when I was younger. Bring on the fun, 2009!

What is/are your New Year's Resolution(s)?

Favorite Moments of 2008.

I know the year hasn't officially ended yet but I thought I'd reflect on my favorite moments of this year :) Here goes.

Getting a job as a preschool teacher:
Taking a break from college, I wanted to try something different, something I’d learn to eventually love doing. Working with kids gave me a new perspective of life and learned how to see the world through a child’s eyes (as stressful and insane as it got sometimes). Through the form of co-workers, I also made some awesome friends. (I’ll miss y’all bitches!)

Reunion with my former co-workers:
Around April, I think it was, Polly flew in from Indiana. After nearly a year of ending our work as peer mentors, Polly, Billy, Hung and I reunited. We all had dinner at Red Robbins and had bubble tea and played Jenga at Pochi’s. I think that was the night I laughed the hardest this year. Only bummer was that Mickee couldn’t make it.

Having a relationship:
Sure, we’re not together anymore but it was nice and refreshing while it lasted. I learned how to love, how to hate, how to heal and how to let go. I even went through painful realizations like unknowingly that I’ve hit rock bottom and losing myself along the way. But at the end of the day, all those had to occur in order to reach some level of inner betterment and peace.

Earning my Associates degree:
After 2 and half years of core requirements, deciding what to major in and without my parents’ supervision, I graduated from Shoreline and will transfer to a four-year university.

Getting accepted by Seattle University:
After getting rejected by my first choice of university, Seattle U saved my ass. I can’t wait to begin my fresh start at a new environment and meet interesting people.

Going to Los Angeles for my 20th birthday:
This trip was planned for the longest time. When it finally happened, I fell in love with L.A. I got to stay at a hotel in Hollywood, tour around Beverly Hills and finally fulfilled my childhood dream of visiting Disneyland. It was also great to bond with my best friend and get away from Seattle for a while during a difficult time.

Seeing Alanis Morissette in concert:
I’ve always loved her work but seeing her perform live made me love her music even more. If I were in need of a therapist, I’d want it to be Alanis. Her lyrics are just dead-on and out of this world (I pretty much live by her words everyday now). I’d see her again live in a heartbeat.

December Snow:
Sure it got annoying not being able to go out of the house because you’re snowed in or your car gets stuck. But for the first few days, I thought the snow was really pretty. As strange as it may sound, I felt like a child in a snow globe :)

What were your favorite moments? (",)

'Forgiven'

Two days ago I had a conversation with a co-worker about going to church. I told her that I've never been to church even once this year... that I kinda stopped being that Catholic girl that I was a few years back. The one who was baptized, the one who confessed and received communion and the one who went to Sunday school and went through the whole confirmation process. She asked why and I replied with an "I don't know". But after early dismissal from work, I went home and actually gave some thoughts about it.

I remember growing up, my parents, my mom in particular always wanted me to accompany her to church every Sunday. I had no problem with it. For one I went to a Catholic school in elementary back in the Philippines so I was used to the whole being surrounded by religion thing. Then in Cyprus every Saturday morning, I had to attend some sort of Sunday school (only it was on a Saturday-ha!) for a few months so that I'd be ready to be confirmed. Mom also never let Christmas Eve and Easter masses pass by. Eventhough my mom "forced" (for lack of a better word) me to go to church, she didn't really adapt it in our household. We never prayed before meals or have rosary rituals every night. Going to church was the furthest my mom went as far as our being Catholic.

But for the past 2 years, I felt disconnected with my religion, the beliefs I grew up with.
Do I know the Ten Commandments by heart? No.
Can I name all the Apostles and Prophets? Nuh uh.
Am I familiar with The Holy Bible? Not at all.

You might come to an assumption by now that I've probaby abandoned my beliefs entirely, right? Not necessarily. I just came to a realization that I followed my beliefs as I was growing up because I was told to and mind you, I WANTED to. But it was more of wanting to belong somewhere, being a follower of something.

As abandoning my beliefs crossed my mind, I couldn't. It's been a part of me since birth. I believe that there's a higher form of power up there... like how you or me or a creature or a beautiful tree was made.

I felt disillusioned thinking about all this. But then I heard this song from my Alanis Morissette playlist to which I never really paid much attention to. And it kinda put my mind at ease:

http://www.imeem.com/alanismorissette/music/0ZaPw5bM/alanis_morissette_forgiven/

'Forgiven'

You know how us Catholic girls can be
We make up for so much time a little too late
I never forgot it, confusing as it was
No fun with no guilt feelings
The sinners, the saviors, the loverless priests
I'll see you next Sunday

We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did
sang Alleluia in the choir
I confessed my darkest deeds to an envious man
My brothers they never went blind for what they did
But I may as well have
In the name of the Father, the Skeptic and the Son
I had one more stupid question

We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

What I learned I rejected but I believe again
I will suffer the consequence of this inquisition
If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven
We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

We all had delusions in our head
We all had our minds made up for us
We had to believe in something
So we did

Narcissus Girl (nah).

This is going to be quite a narcissist entry; not that I’ve never written vain entries before… but that’s beside the point.

We women have good and bad days. We sometimes wake up in the morning feeling beautiful, confident and ready to step outside, not letting anyone rain on our parade. But there are days when we feel butt ugly, pessimistic and in a way, ashamed of ourselves.

I reflected upon this recently (I’ve been stuck inside the house for 3 days due to snow, who can blame me?). I’ve only had two serious romantic relationships in my 20 years of existence. And being in those relationships, I’ve always felt ugly BUT confident. And here’s why. Because I’m in a relationship, I don’t feel the need to “beautify” myself. I trust that my other half would love me for who I am regardless of what type of jeans I’m wearing. But once I am out of that relationship; I am back to my “I’m-not-going-out-in-sweatpants” phase. It’s that constant need of trying to look pretty. Why, you ask? Here’s what I came up with:

-You don’t want to go out and have your ex see you for the first time looking like shit.

-You want to attract other guys.

-It’s your way of finding confidence within yourself (especially if you’re the rejected). If you look good, you feel good.

It’s been four months and some odd days now and putting that effort of trying to look good has gone unnoticed. I feel like I don’t even try to look good and yet people compliment on how I’m “glowing”.

And one question remains:
Am I truly over it?

Not that I’m complaining. Just laying it out there; this is a good sign as the year 2008 reaches its climax :] Woohoo.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Tsk tsk, Miss Venus

Today, a kid at work started crying because another kid said something untrue about him. As usual, I asked him to calm down first and talk about it.

And then I told him “you don’t need to cry… crying doesn’t make anything better, does it?”

Thinking I was mad at him, he said “no Miss Venus”.

I was shocked at myself. I was telling this child not to cry when crying is a natural form of release, something that I, myself, do to get rid of some emotional baggage.

Sorry sweetheart. You cry your heart out whenever. Miss Venus is silly.