'Forgiven'

Two days ago I had a conversation with a co-worker about going to church. I told her that I've never been to church even once this year... that I kinda stopped being that Catholic girl that I was a few years back. The one who was baptized, the one who confessed and received communion and the one who went to Sunday school and went through the whole confirmation process. She asked why and I replied with an "I don't know". But after early dismissal from work, I went home and actually gave some thoughts about it.

I remember growing up, my parents, my mom in particular always wanted me to accompany her to church every Sunday. I had no problem with it. For one I went to a Catholic school in elementary back in the Philippines so I was used to the whole being surrounded by religion thing. Then in Cyprus every Saturday morning, I had to attend some sort of Sunday school (only it was on a Saturday-ha!) for a few months so that I'd be ready to be confirmed. Mom also never let Christmas Eve and Easter masses pass by. Eventhough my mom "forced" (for lack of a better word) me to go to church, she didn't really adapt it in our household. We never prayed before meals or have rosary rituals every night. Going to church was the furthest my mom went as far as our being Catholic.

But for the past 2 years, I felt disconnected with my religion, the beliefs I grew up with.
Do I know the Ten Commandments by heart? No.
Can I name all the Apostles and Prophets? Nuh uh.
Am I familiar with The Holy Bible? Not at all.

You might come to an assumption by now that I've probaby abandoned my beliefs entirely, right? Not necessarily. I just came to a realization that I followed my beliefs as I was growing up because I was told to and mind you, I WANTED to. But it was more of wanting to belong somewhere, being a follower of something.

As abandoning my beliefs crossed my mind, I couldn't. It's been a part of me since birth. I believe that there's a higher form of power up there... like how you or me or a creature or a beautiful tree was made.

I felt disillusioned thinking about all this. But then I heard this song from my Alanis Morissette playlist to which I never really paid much attention to. And it kinda put my mind at ease:

http://www.imeem.com/alanismorissette/music/0ZaPw5bM/alanis_morissette_forgiven/

'Forgiven'

You know how us Catholic girls can be
We make up for so much time a little too late
I never forgot it, confusing as it was
No fun with no guilt feelings
The sinners, the saviors, the loverless priests
I'll see you next Sunday

We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did
sang Alleluia in the choir
I confessed my darkest deeds to an envious man
My brothers they never went blind for what they did
But I may as well have
In the name of the Father, the Skeptic and the Son
I had one more stupid question

We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

What I learned I rejected but I believe again
I will suffer the consequence of this inquisition
If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven
We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

We all had delusions in our head
We all had our minds made up for us
We had to believe in something
So we did